365 days of happiness

Day 17: 10 years later letter.

I am deeply cleaning out my life. Throwing out and selling and donating all of my things that are no longer important to me. I found this letter that I wrote to myself from 2003. I think my mom gave it back to me last year.

I have a week of photos from my 365 days of happiness challenge. So there’s that. 

So I went to the hospital yesterday at 5 am.

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lonely-cloud:

Water colours on Stonehenge.
(Old print making scraps.)

Thanks for the notes <3 change is good.

Update.

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I haven’t really done anything since. I haven’t eaten more than one meal for two days. I feel my stomach caving in and my ribs poking out but I’m still not hungry.

I cried to my mom for the first time in years.

I wake up feeling nothing. I just don’t want to be alone. I hate being alone. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay being alone.

Everything either hurts. Or I feel nothing.

I can’t even get up to clean.

I picked up a blade again.

I walked to the high way and prayed id have enough courage to walk in front of a car.

I’m in so much pain.

I’m forcing myself to go to a doctor next Tuesday. But I don’t even know if I cAn make it.

I’m writing this from my phone.

I’ve posted everything from my queue that I had saved for the week. There will be a hiatus until I can feel better. I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I’ll be okay for a while. I’m still shaking. I spent the better part of last night night remembering to breathe.

I’ve been suffering from depression for over 6 years and I’m at a breaking point.

I’m not sure when the pain will go away. I’m not sure if I’ll find the strength to do anything.

This isn’t a call for help. It is what it is. And I’m just trying to find a reason to live. And to be happy again.

And I’ve been overwhelmed with just dealing with everything that I feel incredibly stuck. It just feels like my chest was ripped open and I just can’t breathe. I just want to pass out and never wake up.

I never post anything really personal on here anymore. But I’m not even sure what it do anymore.

Good bye.

365 days of happiness

Day 16: Indulge.

I feel like I’ve been fighting off a sick. I’ve recently changed my diet to eliminate all salts as much as possible. So that means.. no ramen. Buut, since I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, I decided to make myself some, but also added some broccoli and two eggs that were cooked perfectly. I also had my warm lemon water too!

Note: I only removed very salty things, like instant noodles, adding salt to my eggs, chips, etc. I mostly did this because I felt as though the salt was making me bloat to about twice my size. It was really noticeable in my stomach and my legs. Since then my stomach usually stays relatively flat. But with a little chub cause it’s cute. 

365 days of happiness

Day 14: Summer flowers

Gathered my pressed flowers and started pressing more! I forgot how much I love pressing flowers. These are mostly wild flowers I found.

365 days of happiness

Day 15: Prepare yourself, winter(skin) is coming.

My winter skin is super dry and irritated. I have the worst skin during winter time, so I am now prepared for it. I actually only paid $25 for 32 face masks. And the other (8) things I got for free. I had more, but I gave them to my mom. Also I’m forcing Paul to do some with me :D Just kidding, he likes skin care stuff too. I also got the Lush mask for free too!

365 days of happiness

Day 13: Summer walks

If you can’t find beauty in your everyday life. You’re not looking hard enough.

Earring revamp

Changed my Romwe earrings a bit because they were too heavy for me. 


New hair! So ashy :3 

365 days of happiness

Day 12: Spring through Summer

I love spring decor way more than summer so when this went on clearance, I sprung (haha) and picked it up for $7, originally $50. 

You can actually open this and switch the flowers. for winter time. Soooo I’m gonna do that.

365 days of happiness

Day 11: Hair day/relax day

I was feeling not so great but still went and got my hair done by one of my friends at Aveda.